Woody: Free Answers To Your Toughest Questions
Larry Woody | Senior Writer
Free advice and worth every cent:
* Mr. Answer Man: Why can’t somebody can’t tell me, for gosh sakes, what time the dad-gummed race starts? – Teed-Off in Tallahassee.
Dear Teed: NASCAR hopes to be more precise about its starting times when its Research & Development Center completes work on a radical new Clock of Tomorrow.
* Mr. Answer Man: Is it true that Marcus Ambrose came from the Outback? Barbie in Bakersfield.
*Dear Barbie: Yes, he worked there as a busboy and later was a server at Longhorn, Logan’s and Western Sizzler.
* Hey, Answer Dude: So how come they don’t do, like, wheelies and stuff after a race? Cutting doughnuts is so totally lame, man. – Spacey in Sparta.
Dear Spacey: Turn down that infernal racket and go clean up your room.
* Mr. Answer Man: Why did they cancel the Pocono race when it wasn’t raining? – Puzzled in Peoria.
Dear Puzzled: Because the Stock Car Racing Commission ruled that it WAS raining, and suspended the Weather Channel for six races.
* Mr. Answer Man: No, really.
Dear Puzzled: Because the saturated Pocono track was “weeping.” It’s similar to when a race fan checks out of his motel and sees that the rates have been quadrupled. The fan starts weeping because he, like the track, has been thoroughly soaked.
* Mr. Answer Man: How come you voted for Linda Vaughan over Junior Johnson for the NASCAR Hall of Fame? – Libby in Lunsford.
Dear Libby: Have you ever seen Junior Johnson in gold lame hot-pants?
* Mr. Answer Man: How can NASCAR just up and change the rules in mid-season? – Ralph in Raleigh.
Dear Ralph: That’s a good question.
* Mr. Answer Man: Did you know that when my girlfriend Donna stands on her head her 88 tattoo is still 88? Ain’t that something? — Merle in Muncie.
Dear Merle: Yes. My grandmother’s 11 tattoo is the same way.
* Mr. Answer Man: Whatever became of that TV guy, Bill Weber? – Curious in Cairo.
Dear Curious: He was last seen at a Burger King drive-through with Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis.
* Mr. Answer Man: I hear drivers complaining about “arrow push.” What the heck do they mean? – Skeeter in Spokane.
Dear Skeeter: It has something to do with Custer’s Last Stand.
* Mr. Answer Man: If Dale Jr. doesn’t make the Chase I’ll just DIE! – Tiffany in Tampa.
Dear Tiffany: Now, now, there’ll be other years.
* Mr. Answer Man: If Dale Jr. doesn’t make the Chase I’ll just DIE! – Brian France in Daytona.
Dear Brian: Now, now, there’ll be other years.
* Mr. Answer Man: Can you settle a bet between me and Donnie Ray? Is that pile of road-kill on Richard Petty’s cowboy hat real? — June Bug in Jasper.
Dear Mr. Bug: No animals were harmed in the making of the hat.
* Mr. Answer Man: Is it true that Mark Martin’s first win came in a chariot race against Ben Hur? — Vern in Valdosta.
Dear Vern: No, Ben Hur was just a toddler when Mark started racing.
* Mr. Answer Man: Admit it, you stole this whole idea from Ken Willis, didn’t you? – Suspicious in Smyrna.
Dear Suspicious: Ken who? Is he that portly, follicle-challenged sports writer in Daytona who once ate all the Milk Duds in the Media Center? Don’t know the fella.
Coming next week: Why were so many major Civil War battles fought in national parks?
– The Answer Man can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org Comments