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Woody: Free Answers To Your Toughest Questions

Larry Woody | Senior Writer, RacinToday.com Tuesday, August 25 2009
Marcos Ambrose also has spent a lot of time working for Little Debbie this season. (Photo by Todd Warshaw/Getty Images for NASCAR)

Marcos Ambrose also has spent a lot of time working for Little Debbie this season. (Photo by Todd Warshaw/Getty Images for NASCAR)

Larry Woody | Senior Writer
RacinToday.com

Free advice and worth every cent:

* Mr. Answer Man: Why can’t somebody can’t tell me, for gosh sakes, what time the dad-gummed race starts? – Teed-Off in Tallahassee.

Dear Teed: NASCAR hopes to be more precise about its starting times when its Research & Development Center completes work on a radical new Clock of Tomorrow.

* Mr. Answer Man: Is it true that Marcus Ambrose came from the Outback? Barbie in Bakersfield.

*Dear Barbie: Yes, he worked there as a busboy and later was a server at Longhorn, Logan’s and Western Sizzler.

* Hey, Answer Dude: So how come they don’t do, like, wheelies and stuff after a race? Cutting doughnuts is so totally lame, man. – Spacey in Sparta.

Dear Spacey: Turn down that infernal racket and go clean up your room.

* Mr. Answer Man: Why did they cancel the Pocono race when it wasn’t raining? – Puzzled in Peoria.

Dear Puzzled: Because the Stock Car Racing Commission ruled that it WAS raining, and suspended the Weather Channel for six races.

* Mr. Answer Man: No, really.

Dear Puzzled: Because the saturated Pocono track was “weeping.” It’s similar to when a race fan checks out of his motel and sees that the rates have been quadrupled. The fan starts weeping because he, like the track, has been thoroughly soaked.

* Mr. Answer Man: How come you voted for Linda Vaughan over Junior Johnson for the NASCAR Hall of Fame? – Libby in Lunsford.

Dear Libby: Have you ever seen Junior Johnson in gold lame hot-pants?

* Mr. Answer Man: How can NASCAR just up and change the rules in mid-season? – Ralph in Raleigh.

Dear Ralph: That’s a good question.

* Mr. Answer Man: Did you know that when my girlfriend Donna stands on her head her 88 tattoo is still 88? Ain’t that something? — Merle in Muncie.

Dear Merle: Yes. My grandmother’s 11 tattoo is the same way.

* Mr. Answer Man: Whatever became of that TV guy, Bill Weber? – Curious in Cairo.

Dear Curious: He was last seen at a Burger King drive-through with Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis.

* Mr. Answer Man: I hear drivers complaining about “arrow push.” What the heck do they mean? – Skeeter in Spokane.

Dear Skeeter: It has something to do with Custer’s Last Stand.

* Mr. Answer Man: If Dale Jr. doesn’t make the Chase I’ll just DIE! – Tiffany in Tampa.

Dear Tiffany: Now, now, there’ll be other years.

* Mr. Answer Man: If Dale Jr. doesn’t make the Chase I’ll just DIE! – Brian France in Daytona.

Dear Brian: Now, now, there’ll be other years.

* Mr. Answer Man: Can you settle a bet between me and Donnie Ray? Is that pile of road-kill on Richard Petty’s cowboy hat real? — June Bug in Jasper.

Dear Mr. Bug: No animals were harmed in the making of the hat.

* Mr. Answer Man: Is it true that Mark Martin’s first win came in a chariot race against Ben Hur? — Vern in Valdosta.

Dear Vern: No, Ben Hur was just a toddler when Mark started racing.

* Mr. Answer Man: Admit it, you stole this whole idea from Ken Willis, didn’t you? – Suspicious in Smyrna.

Dear Suspicious: Ken who? Is he that portly, follicle-challenged sports writer in Daytona who once ate all the Milk Duds in the Media Center? Don’t know the fella.

Coming next week: Why were so many major Civil War battles fought in national parks?

– The Answer Man can be reached at lwoody@racintoday.com

Larry Woody | Senior Writer, RacinToday.com Tuesday, August 25 2009
8 Comments

8 Comments »

  • Terrell Davis says:

    Woody,
    When you’re good you’re great, and when you’re bad…..well, we just really don’t wanna go there now, do we?
    Keep ‘em coming. We all need a good laugh right about now.

  • Jim Pedley says:

    Dear Answer Man:
    Why would anybody name their hotel chain after Paris Hilton?

  • Marybeth says:

    Larry,

    “* Mr. Answer Man: Why did they cancel the Pocono race when it wasn’t raining? – Puzzled in Peoria.
    Dear Puzzled: Because the Stock Car Racing Commission ruled that it WAS raining, and suspended the Weather Channel for six races.
    • Mr. Answer Man: No, really.”

    Dear Mr. Answer Man, The Weather Channel was running another 3 hour span of re-re-re-runs and Nascar had no where to check. Nascar could not suspend the TWC for 6 races because they have already suspended themselves and they could not care less.
    Marybeth
    PS “Coming next week: Why were so many major Civil War battles fought in national parks?” It’s a good thing they had the foresight to fight these battles in the parks. :)

  • Jim McLaurin says:

    “..* Mr. Answer Man: Did you know that when my girlfriend Donna stands on her head her 88 tattoo is still 88? Ain’t that something? — Merle in Muncie.

    Dear Merle: Yes. My grandmother’s 11 tattoo is the same way.


    And, yes, gravity still is at work.

  • Andy Roseannadanna says:

    Seriously, NASCAR, needs to begin work on the new Network of Tomorrow and the new Cable Channel of Tomorrow. The ones they’re using have multiple fatal flaws that must be addressed.

    (I used they’re. Is that a word?)

  • Hilarious as always! :)

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