Woody: Mayfield Stars In ‘As The Urinal Turns’
Larry Woody | Senior Writer
I know we shouldn’t be too flippant about a story that has riveted nationwide attention and is the subject of an upcoming major motion picture: “Jeremy Mayfield Goes to the Bathroom.”
But you have to admit, this opera has too much soap to ignore. For those who haven’t followed developments, here’s the timeline as I understand it:
• NASCAR, bored out of its gourd like everybody else who watches racing, decides to liven things up by making Mayfield take a urine test.
• The test, conducted in NASCAR’s secret underground laboratory by a mysterious “Dr. Goodwrench,” reveals a banned substance in Mayfield’s system.
• NASCAR refuses to tell what the banned substance is, instead forcing reporters to play “Charades” in an attempt to guess it.
• NASCAR suspends Mayfield, claiming he’s as “dangerous as Coo Coo Marlin.”
• Mayfield insists the only thing he took was a Smith Brothers cough drop and hires an attorney.
• NASCAR counter-sues, saying Mayfield violated his contract by purchasing a t-shirt from an unlicensed vendor.
• Mayfield’s lawyer gets a federal judge to lift his suspension, citing case law “Tom vs. Jerry” in which Jerry the mouse is deemed entitled to earn a living swiping cheese from Tom the cat.
• Mayfield is all set to race, only to discover he’s out of gas money.
• NASCAR chases Mayfield across North Carolina in an attempt to give him another drug test, finally cornering him in the Men’s Room of a Gastonia Sunoco station (The Official Racing Fuel of NASCAR).
• This time the test reveals that Mayfield has a serious problem with Vick’s Vapor-Rub.
• Just when Mayfield thought things couldn’t POSSIBLY get any worse, his step-mother flies through the window on a broom.
• The estranged step-mother swears she witnessed Mayfield cooking meth in his racing shop when he claimed to be installing a fuel pump.
• Mayfield says his step-mom is a straw shy a broom.
• His step-mother says she’s innocent and hires an attorney.
• NASCAR announces it has turned up witnesses who will swear Mayfield was in on the Lindbergh kidnapping.
• Another judge re-suspends Mayfield, this time ruling for Tom in “Tom vs. Jerry.”
• Mayfield announces he’s selling his race team in order to spend more quality time with his attorney.
• Jeff Gordon says that he, personally, enjoys taking NASCAR drug tests and wishes there were “lots more” of them. He also says he likes Brian France’s haircut.
• A trial date is set for Sept. 13, 2010 which seems a bit drawn out, but as the National Trial Lawyers Association explains, “Tough toenails. See you in court, Bubba.”
• In other news, the Official Urinal of NASCAR is unveiled at Daytona.
– Larry Woody can be reached at email@example.com Comments