Woody: Jimmie Becomes Monk, Other Predictions
Larry Woody | Senior Writer
About this time every year, sports writers gaze into their crystal punch bowls and predict what the New Year holds.
Here’s what I see swirling around in the ice and Jack Daniel’s:
– Jimmie Johnson, bored with the incessant winning and his life of wealth and luxury, decides to forsake the worldly pleasures and joins a monastery. Wearing a long flowing robe and with his shaved head gleaming in the Florida sunshine, Friar Jimmie wins the Daytona 500 and is off to his 6th straight championship.
– In an attempt to emulate his teammate’s success, Dale Earnhardt Jr. announces he’s becoming a monk, too.
– Kyle Busch continues to rack up wins in the second-tier Nationwide Series and third-tier
truck series, and also scores 78 touchdowns as a fullback in a Pee Wee football league.
– On a more somber note, Kyle gets in trouble when he smashes the traditional trophy Grandfather Clock in a “rock-star-type victory celebration” at Martinsville. NASCAR boss Brian France announces “it’s time to crack down” on Busch’s behavior and sends him to bed without a cookie.
– After winning at Dover, Kyle suffers a hernia while trying to lift the giant “Monster” trophy to smash hit.
– Mark Martin, 52, signs a contract extension that will keep him racing until the year 2038. In other news, guests attending Mark’s birthday party are soaked when all the candles are lit on his birthday cake and the intense heat activates the sprinkler system.
– Richard Petty implores NASCAR to let him race his old Pony-ack. Richard also wants
NASCAR to turn back the calendar make everything exactly the way it was in 1963.
– PETA stages a protest of Richard’s cowboy hat.
– Jeff Burton is sidelined for several races after dislocating a finger. He was shaking it under Kyle Busch’s nose at the time of the injury.
– Tony Stewart finally boils over. He punches out his anger-management counselor, bowls over three photographers and gives NASCAR president Mike Helton a wedgie. NASCAR orders him out of the sandbox.
– NASCAR’s new “casual dress” policy starts off with mixed results when Pamela Anderson shows up in the Daytona garage wearing a thong bikini. Although the fans and media seem to enjoy it, several distracted mechanics are injured by stumbling into vats of hot oil, dropping engine blocks on their toes and rolling tire carts over their tongues.
– Jeff Gordon, showing the pressure of the longest losing streak of his career, sparks a 25-car pileup at Talladega and later that evening has to be restrained in a heated confrontation with a Waffle House waiter. Jeff says he ordered “smothered, not scattered.”
– Miss Sprint Cup, witnessing a horrific, carnage-strewn train wreck on her way home
from a race, stops grinning. For just a micro-second.
– Bristol Raceway, vowing to return its rowdy roots, sells fruit jars of moonshine (The Official Untaxed Beverage of NASCAR) at its concession stands. The racing isn’t any better but nobody seems to notice.
– Kevin Harvick, still peeved over Joey Logano’s crack about wife DeLana wearing a fire suit, says he is going to show “who wears what in this family.” He wins Atlanta in a strapless evening gown and spike heels.
– Speaking of Logano, his over-protective pop creates yet another scene when NASCAR tells Joey to clean his room, take out the trash and move his bike out of the driveway.
– To prove it’s really serious about “getting tough” on cheaters, NASCAR suspends some guy named Ralph for life after he’s caught using an unapproved safety pin to hold up his pants during a Late Model race at Bug Splat Speedway.
– Danica Patrick, four laps down, passes somebody. Special editions are printed, souvenir sales sky-rocket and rumors are rampant that Danica is replacing Jimmie Johnson at Hendrick.
– Jack “Nine Lives” Roush’s parachute fails to open after lightning blasts his plane out of the sky. His fall is broken by a typhoon which deposits him into Lake Ontario where he is swept over Niagara Falls and attacked by a school of man-eating sharks. A giant tidal wave washes him ashore where he is stuck by a flaming meteorite but saved by the timely arrival of the LA Lakers Dance Team which applies mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Roush dusts himself off and heads to the track.
– Larry Woody can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org Comments