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Hood: The Future Of NASCAR Is Crystal Clear

| Senior Writer, RacinToday.com Saturday, December 12 2009
A historic Victory Lane celebration at Homestead-Miami Speedway. (Photo by Rusty Jarrett/Getty Images for NASCAR)

The drive for five could be even more flavorful than roar to four. (Photo by Rusty Jarrett/Getty Images for NASCAR)

By Jeff Hood | Senior Writer

OK, I realize the Daytona 500 is still more than two months away. The first Christmas gift has yet to be opened and we’re still three weeks away from a Dick Clark sighting.

But let’s shake the ol’ crystal ball extra hard and see what outlandish predictions we can deliver well in advance of the 2010 NASCAR season:

* Jimmie Johnson will coast to his fifth consecutive Sprint Cup title after bringing on a new associate sponsor: Blue Bell vanilla ice cream.

* Dale Earnhardt Jr. will once again go winless and fail to qualify for the Chase. But the third generation driver will collect his eighth consecutive most popular driver award in a landslide. (OK, so perhaps this prediction isn’t so outlandish.)

* Chad Knaus will violate a major NASCAR rule and receive a warning for nearly exceeding a tolerance. Carl Long will violate a major NASCAR rule and be lined up in front of a firing squad.

* Carl Edwards will show up in Daytona wearing an arm brace after suffering a bizarre off-season injury while playing water polo.

* Brad Keselowski will try to wreck Denny Hamlin, but miss and slide up into Kevin Harvick. The rookie driver will then proceed to get his butt kicked afterwards by a not so “Happy Harvick.”

* Kyle Busch will win a total of 28 NASCAR races, 15 Super Late Model events, 5 Legends features and a foot race. But he won’t win a championship in any series.

* Danica Patrick will come unglued prior to the ARCA race in Daytona after being asked the same question 20 times: “so when do you plan on making your Sprint Cup debut?”

* Juan Pablo Montoya will accidentally bump into the pace car under caution. His excuse? He was busy sending a Facebook message to his legions of online friends.

* Good news: 55 cars show up for the Nationwide Series season opener in Daytona. Bad news: 22 of the entries intend to start-and-park.

* For the umpteenth time NASCAR radio and television announcers will clear their throats and declare: “Folks, we’re going green-flag racing!” Yeah, as if there is any other type.

* Those same announcers will inform us that the beneficiary of the free pass (that’s the lucky dog for you readers in Alabama) must go to the tail end of the longest line. Unless the rules have been modified to incorporate three-wide starts, that’s longer line! you non-English majors.

* Tiger Woods will be spotted partying in the infield at Talladega and holding up a sign which requests, in a not-so-polite manner, that all females partially disrobe.

* NASCAR will implement a time restriction on both races at Pocono: 500 miles or seven hours, whichever comes first. The August race will miss the time limit by 34 minutes.

* Television ratings and attendance will continue to sag. But NASCAR’s PR machine will still mange to provide a silver lining while reporting the data.

* And finally…the crowd erupts with cheers at the Daytona 500 as the field roars off into Turn 1 and transforms FOX’s gopher mascot Digger into road kill.

– Jeff Hood can be reached at jhood@racintoday.com

| Senior Writer, RacinToday.com Saturday, December 12 2009


  • J.J. says:

    Fearless 2010 Predictions:

    Mark Martin wins the Daytona 500 and announces he’s signed a 10-year extension with Hendrick racing.

    Kyle Busch wins 18 regular season races and still manages to miss the Chase.

    In a part time schedule Michael Waltrip wins every race he enters.

    Jimmy Johnson wins zero races, snaps, and murders Chad Knaus.

    Denny Hamlin and Brad Leselowski turn out to be brothers, just like Cain and Abel.

    Darrell Waltrip decides being in broadcasting is “Unfulfilling,” he quits and opens up a hot-dog stand at Kentucky Speedway. 13647 fans die from food poisoning.

    In a twist of irony, Jeff Gordon retires and Danica Patrick makes her Cup debut in the 24 car at Indianapolis and wins the Brickyard 400.

    In a scandal which rocks ESPN, Dr Jerry Punch turns out not to be a doctor at all.

    RCR and Roush qualify ALL of their cars for the Chase, but still lose out to:

    …Dale Earnhardt qualifies for the Chase with zero wins, but wins all 10 races in the Chase and, of course, the Chase Championship. He announces he owes it all to the love of a good woman named Danica, who he loves above all else and that they secretly married the day after she won the Brickyard 400. He goes on to say, he’s retiring as a driver to manage her career and she will be the number one driver for Patrick JR Motorsports, their newly formed race team.

    Gonna be a Hellova 2010 race season… Or not.

  • Jrs biggest fan says:

    Marybeth, if you’ll publish your address, I’ll send you a Quarter with which to buy yourself a clue.

  • Marybeth says:

    “Dale Earnhardt Jr. will once again go winless and fail to qualify for the Chase. But the third generation driver will collect his eighth consecutive most popular driver award in a landslide. (OK, so perhaps this prediction isn’t so outlandish.)”
    Only if he stays at HMS.

  • olddirttracker says:

    Did you have to mention digger,I was having such a good day and was hoping that santa would spoil me and make digger and DW disappear into boogity boogity boogity retirement.

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